I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
