that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
