What did we do last night that was yellow?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
