I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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