just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
