why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
