I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
