We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
