I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
