just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
