put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
