if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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