What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Randomize
