Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Randomize
