This dress was meant to end up on your floor
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
