I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
