Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize