Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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