I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
