The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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