May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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