I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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