A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
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You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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