At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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