OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
