i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
