Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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