im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
