I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
