I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
