just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
