dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Welp...herpes.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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