fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
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I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
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I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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