It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
