Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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