Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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