My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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