remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
