I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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