I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
