I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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