you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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