If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
You pole danced in your parka.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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