I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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