ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.