i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
wanna go halves on a baby?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
