either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
