Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
