Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Michael Bay diarrhea
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
