it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
