i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
