i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
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Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
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I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.