Please, let me fuck your mom
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
25 Seemingly Normal Things That Give Some People Massive Anxiety
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
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Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.