Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.