Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.