Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Dating After Heartbreak
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C