Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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